Hi, this week you join us outside Salford Royal, where Ryan hopes that someone will pass by and decide to go on a date with him. Personally I think he's wasting his time (and mine) but I'm willing to indulge him on this occasion; mostly because I've got half an hour to kill and this is better than playing Pooh Sticks. Oh and that's a game (it's nothing dirty), look it up if you don't believe me. Anyway, this week we're looking at the ultimate flexible fella, Stretch Armstrong!
THE STRETCH ARMSTRONG PITCH:
How to become Stretch Armstrong
Hey there Ryan; do you want to be a man who can be wherever a woman wants him to be? Would you like to extend parts of your body WHEN IT REALLY COUNTS? Well then it sounds to me like you want to be Stretch Armstrong, the most stretchable guy in the world (after Mr Fantastic... and Elongated Man of course). Becoming Stretch Armstrong would allow you to fight crime, pick up the dry cleaning and prepare dinner all at once and all without breaking a sweat! Not only could you multitask like a pro, but with the ability to change your shape at will you'd also be able to fit into the clothes that you want to wear!
Oh and did I mention that you could dress in a tanktop without looking like a douche? This would instantly make you desirable to women and you'd have them bending over backwards, to watch you bend over backwards.
I WANT WOMEN TO BEND OVER BACKWARDS WHILST I BEND OVER BACKWARDS. PLEASE EXPLAIN!
In order to truly bend over backwards then you'd need to become a contortionist. Contortion involves bending the body into a variety of different shapes and is possible thanks to an unusual amount of flexibility in the body, which is then enhanced with exercise and training. Oh and having a flexible spine helps too! There are two types of contortionists; frontbenders and backbenders. Frontbenders (if you couldn't already guess) are contortionists that can fold themselves forward; whilst backbenders go the other way, so they can literally kiss their own ass.... should they wish. Both types of contortionist are able to dislocate limbs in order to move body parts and many are into enterology, which involves squeezing their bodies into a space that would ordinarily seem too small for them to fit into.
HMMM... I THINK MY AUNT ETHEL IS DOUBLE-JOINTED. IS SHE A CONTORTIONIST?
No. Your Aunt Ethel is just weird. Anyway, she's not double jointed, there's no such thing. The term double-jointed is actually just an expression used to describe someone who can bend a bit more than others. Contortionists actually create the illusion of having no bones, by placing the focus on the joints that are more flexible to make others think that they are elasticated.
HANG ON, THIS WOULDN'T MAKE ME LIKE STRETCH ARMSTRONG THEN!
Well, having the ability to bend and twist your body like a contortionist would make your body more supple and have the appearance of being a human rubber band, however you're correct you wouldn't be exactly like him. But here's where a bit of showmanship comes in; don't you remember what we learned about becoming Mandrake the Magician? The art of illusion is all about making the impossible seem possible, so if you want to appear to be like Stretch Armstrong, you might just need to polish your act a little. There are many people who do actually have more 'stretchy skin'; these people have a connective tissue disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. The condition can be life threatening and there are many different variations on the condition, but one of the symptoms is the appearance of smooth stretchy skin.
SO IF I BECAME A CONTORTIONIST AND WORKED ON MY ACT, IN THEORY I'D BECOME STRETCH ARMSTRONG?
Yes; but remember that bending limbs can be dangerous and so always seek advice from an expert before embarking on a career as a contortionist!
DATING PLAN OF ACTION: Contortion + Ryan = Stretch Armstrong
Well, it looks like we could be here for a while, so stay safe and we'll see you next time.