By Alex Wiggan (and Ryan the work experience lad) You join us this week outside Pure, in Manchester's Print Works. As you'll have already worked out, last week's trip to Bamboo in Hazel Grove fell flat and all that Ryan got was a slap. Admittedly it could have gone much worse as Ryan had downed three double vodka and cokes before we even got inside, so his attempt to woo a lady was doomed from the start anyway. By the end it was more about damage limitation than anything else. Anyway this week I'm trying to boost his confidence by telling him how to become the next superhero on our list. Here we go!
THE LION-O PITCH:
How to become Lion-O
Are you sick of constantly trying to be the top dog in order to impress the ladies, only to discover it’s never quite good enough?
Are you bored of chasing women who bite back and play too ‘woof’ with you?
Well that’s because you’ve forgotten that dogs are man’s best friend, not woman’s, and so in your latest attempt to woo women you’ve been barking up the wrong tree. If you really want to be the go-to guy for the ladies then forget trying to go doggy style, you need to become the pur-fect pussy to bag the girl! By using a few body modifications you can achieve the look of Lion-O, the kick-ass leader of the Thundercats and if you play your cards right it won’t be long before you’re the cat’s pyjamas when it comes to impressing the girls! Forget about getting left out in the cold, girls will want to take you everywhere so they can feel your magic and hear you roar!
SO WHAT IS BODY MODIFICATION?
Body modification involves transforming one’s body so that it is in some way altered; either through tattooing, hair removal or through the use of transdermal or subdermal implants.
ERM... DERMAL WHAT?
Transdermal and subdermal implants you fool!
A transdermal implant involves placing an object above or below the skin and is often seen in the form of a body piercing. As for a subdermal implant this involves placing an object below the surface of the skin so that the skin grows over the top of the implant to create a ‘raised’ shape on the body. Using transdermal and subdermal implants, as well as a variety of other alterations would allow you to turn your sorry excuse for a body into that of a triumphant Thundercat, so that you can become a fun loving feline.
I WANT LADIES TO THINK I’M A FUN LOVING FELINE. PLEASE EXPLAIN!
OK, firstly I must point out The Comics Code DOES NOT RECOMMEND THAT ANY OF OUR READERS DO THIS... however for you Ryan transforming into a Thundercat would almost certainly improve your life and so you should do the following:
Surgically alter your ears, lips, cheeks, nose and forehead, so that your body parts resemble those of a cat.
File your teeth to give them a more feline appearance.
Attach whiskers through a series of facial piercings.
IS THIS GOING TO HURT?
Yes you loon of course it will! As you will be introducing foreign objects into your body (as well as altering the state of current body parts) there will be a lot of pain before you see any gain and so transforming into a Thundercat comes at a cost!
OK. BUT IN THEORY COULD THIS TURN AN ORDINARY GUY INTO A THUNDERCAT?
Yes it really could.
In Michigan in the good old U S of A, Dennis Avner became known as Stalking Cat (or Cat Man if you prefer) after he underwent a serious of extensive body modifications to turn himself into a human pussy. Avner’s transformation came after he spoke to a native chief who inspired him to follow the ways of the tiger, which Avner thought was a great idea and so he started fiddling with his appearance. In total Avner surgically altered a number of body parts, pierced his face to make holes for removable whiskers, had a series of tattoos to create markings and even modified his hairline all to adopt the look he so happily sought. He even wore contact lenses to create the appearance of having 'cat eyes' and although Avner's goal wasn't to become a Thundercat he did become as close to a humanoid cat as possible.
It might sound a little crazy to some (although here at The Comics Code we don’t judge), but following Avner’s path would allow you to become a super heroic Thundercat just like Lion-O so that you could slink around town with the hottest chicks and prove you’re the mutt’s nuts.
I mean, the cat’s cahoonas!
DATING PLAN OF ACTION: Body modifications + Ryan = Lion-O
OK, so Ryan has all the knowledge he needs to become a Thundercat, but will it make even the slightest bit of difference as he goes on the pull? Pop back next week to find out!