Welcome readers to the first part of How To Become A Superhero! My mission is to help Ryan find a girlfriend, so this week we’ve travelled from Comics Code Manor to Bredbury Hall, in Stockport, on the lookout for potential love. In order for Ryan to stand a chance with the ladies I’m going to pitch him an idea to make him a ‘butch man’ and then we’ll take it from there!
THE IRON MAN PITCH:
How to become Iron Man
Want to spend your nights as a playboy superhero, bedding WAG’s and living in a mansion, instead of dreaming about Chezza Cole and having posh wanks during episodes of Desperate Housewives?
Of course you do!
Well fear not Ryan as you too could pass yourself off as a man of steel balls by becoming the Armoured Avenger known as Iron Man, with the XOS 2; a suit that allows any limp Larry to rival Tony Stark. Not only would the XOS 2 make you more machine than man, it would also allow you to bench press Geoff Capes and bag a fit shag!
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. HMMM... THE XOS 2 SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
Created by US defence tech firm Raytheon, the XOS 2 (dubbed exos for short) is an Iron Man style exoskeleton-power suit designed to give mere mortals strength far beyond their own capabilities. The reason that it sounds familiar is because we discussed it way back in the original Science Of Superheroes when we looked at exoskeletons.
SO WOULD THIS MAKE ME LIKE IRON MAN?
Yes, the exos is the first step on your path to becoming Marvel Comics’ technologically advanced super hero, IRON MAN! No longer do you need to be a fictional alcoholic billionaire (with stylish face fuzz) to bed the birds, because now even you, the meekest Mr Muscle, can become a super powered machine man thanks to the attachment of the XOS 2 suit. Face fuzz not included.
I WANT TO IMPRESS BIRDS. PLEASE EXPLAIN!
When slipped on, the XOS 2 amplifies a person’s strength by up to seventeen times, allowing the wearer to punch through up to four solid planks of wood and also lift 70kg in weight (roughly the weight of German lager the average bloke buys from Aldi during the Saturday shop). Not only would this enhanced strength impress the ladies, but it would also come in handy should you need to crack open a crate of Germany’s finest before Match of the Day starts.
CAN I GET ONE OF THESE SUITS AT ARGOS?
Erm... no. At the moment the XOS 2 is currently only being aimed at helping military soldiers out in the field and is being developed in two different varieties (combat and logistics). As well as that it’s also not quite the advanced tech that Tony Stark straps on in the movies and comics, as it needs a bit of a boost to keep it going, which can often include being tethered to a power source. But fear not because Raytheon plan to make an internal combustion power source to make the suit more self sufficient and the company is also looking at developing the XOS 2 for commercial applications; it could just take a while.
OK. BUT IN THEORY COULD THIS MAKE AN ORDINARY MAN LIKE ME INTO AN IRON MAN?
Yes indeed it could. Theoretically once the XOS 2 is developed further the average Joe (that’s you) could actually become Iron Man, or at the very least a bloke in a suit of high-tech Meccano. From this point on the world would be your oyster and with enhanced strength you would be able to constantly win at arm wrestling and even remove the most stubborn jam jar lid. This would not only tick off all the attributes that most girls look for in a guy, but it would also mean you wouldn’t need to go to the gym, so becoming Iron Man would even save you time! Of course with all that free time on your hands you would be expected to stop crime in your local community, but you’d be bloody Iron Man for chuff sake, so it would be your civic duty!
DATING PLAN OF ACTION: XOS 2 + Ryan = IRON MAN
Well although this plan of action won't work just yet, now that Ryan can see how easy it is to become Iron Man maybe he'll become a hit with the ladies. I ask you to keep your fingers crossed, but in the event that there's no improvement on Ryan's situation join us here next week as How To Become A Superhero continues!