Robert Wagner, James Mason, Janet Leigh, Sterling Hayden, Brian Aherne, Not a great deal of sword fighting, The most obvious villain since Darth Vader encouraged some teenagers to start smoking
Screenplay by: Dudley Nichols
Directed by: Henry Hathaway
Boltar – “By Odin, I’d give my soul to go along!”
WHAT IS IT? It’s a movie based on the comic-strip Prince Valiant created by Hal Foster and features James Mason as the villainous Sir Brack, who couldn’t be any more of an obvious villain unless he killed a puppy in front of King Arthur’s eyes.
GOOD IDEA/BAD IDEA: Prince Valiant was a popular comic-strip and sword wielding films about knights were always popular too.In actual fact apart from Robert Wagner being miscast as Valiant and not a great deal happening the movie wasn’t all that bad.The reason it’s here is because, and this may not have been made clear above, SIR BRACK WAS THE VILLAIN, yet no one seemed to notice!Even at the end, when he was killed, King Arthur technically still hadn’t had it proved to him that HE WAS THE VILLAIN!!!
WHAT’S THE STORY?
Valiant (Wagner) has always had a dream of being a knight in King Arthur’s court.Sadly up until now the fact that he looks suspiciously like Robert Wagner with a strange haircut, has always held him back.Thankfully his parents, and strange Viking friend Boltar, think he looks nothing like Robert Wagner, and so encourage him to go off and fulfil his dreams.His parents also encourage him to possibly try and get it on with a girl, as quite frankly it’s been a while and they are starting to think they might not get any Grandchildren.Valiant agrees and so off he goes in search of King Arthur’s court, which conveniently isn’t too far away.Sadly for him he gets attacked by the Black Knight, but as it turns out the Black Knight is a fan of Robert Wagner and so lets him go.
Upon arriving at King Arthur’s court, or Camelot as it’s known to the locals, Valiant explains that he has travelled all the way here to become a knight and that along the way he happened to bump into the deadly and merciless Black Knight!Arthur and all the Knights of the Round Table think he must be confused as the Black Knight is just a legend, but they agree to disagree and decide to let him stay and work his way up the ladder until he gets knighted.This pleases Valiant and he is happy that everyone has been so nice to him, including Sir Brack (Mason), who asks a lot of questions and ALTHOUGH NO ONE SEES IT, IS REALLY THE BLACK KNIGHT.
With Valiant blissfully unaware of Brack’s evil alter-ego, he agrees to go on a ride with him WHICH IS STUPID AS HE’S THE BLACK KNIGHT, and soon finds himself attacked and shot at with arrows.Thankfully he escapes and returns to Camelot but gets caught up in a bit of a love triangle, which keeps him busy and stops him from SEEING BRACK IS THE EFFIN’ BLACK NIGHT!!!!
As this is Camelot and TV, DVD and internet porn has yet to be invented, Valiant soon gets bored and with his Valiant Sense tingling, soon REALISES THAT BRACK IS UP TO NO GOOD!Unfortunately it’s all a bit too late in the day, as Sir Brack has kidnapped Valiant’s parents, with plans to kill them, and he’s also scheduled in an afternoon of chucking apples at old folk.Determined not to let this happen, mostly because he thinks it’s a waste of apples, Valiant frees his parents and returns to Camelot to tell King Arthur what’s been going on.Arthur doesn’t really believe him, but also bored from the lack of net porn he tells them he’d love it if they had a sword fight to sort it all out.Valiant agrees, kills Brack, who dies YET STILL MANAGES TO HIDE THE FACT HE IS THE BLACK KNIGHT and Valiant becomes a sort of hero.Years later Martin Lawrence stars in a film called Black Knight which is truly an unholy and unspeakable evil.
BLACKEST KNIGHT: *Ok, just in case for any reason it has not been pointed out enough.... Sir Brack is the Black Knight.Yeah, he is.Honest.
*Former New Kids On The Block member Jordan Knight is not related to the Black Knight.
*If Sir Brack hadn’t of been killed off at the end of Prince Valiant there was a rumour he was to star in a TV show called Black Knight Rider, where he and his horse would have driven around in a talking car and solved crime.