Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Karl Urban, Maggie Q, Lily Collins, Brad Dourif, Stephen Moyer, Christopher Plummer, Jim Robinson from Neighbours, Some CGI extras from I Am Legend, Every cliché in the book
Written by: Cory Goodman
Directed by: Scott Charles Stewart
Monsignor Chamberlain – “God help us.”
WHAT IS IT? It’s a crap cinematic adaptation of Min-Woo Hyung’s manga series Priest, and stars Paul Bettany as...yep you guessed it... the most uncharismatic priest ever! If that doesn’t tell you something about how shit this film is, then nothing will!!
GOOD IDEA/BAD IDEA: The manga series that Priest was based on mixed cowboys with vampires and was a fantastic and fun fantasy adventure! The film sadly was not. Instead it was a movie that saw Paul Bettany take the lead in a bizarre mess of an action film, that ticked off every frickin’ movie cliché in the book. Oh and if casting Bettany in the lead role wasn’t bad enough, someone obviously thought it was a good idea to remove any hints of humour from the script, making everything so damn serious! The end result was a boring vamp-action movie that was the sort of film that drinking games were invented for. On a plus side, former neighbours actor Alan Dale (you know, Jim Robinson) turns up for a couple of minutes, which are the best couple of minutes in the whole film.
WHAT’S THE STORY?
Many years ago a bunch of vampires tried to take over the land...
A few years later... a bunch of priests, including the appropriately named Priest, fight off the vamp menace, thereby saving humanity from becoming pale blood suckers. However nothing runs smoothly and during battle with a particularly nasty bunch of vampires, Priest’s best friend gets vamped!
A bit later still... Priest’s best friend believes that Priest was to blame for the fact he’s now a vampire and so adopting the name Black Hat (because he wears a Black Hat) he decides to get revenge on his former pal! So Black Hat kidnaps Priest’s daughter, which pisses Priest off.
Meanwhile... Priest goes and speaks to Jim Robinson from Neighbours (presumably because Bouncer and Dr Karl Kennedy were busy) and tells him that he’s going to kick some vampire ass! He then sets off on a quest to save his daughter!
But then... Priest meets up with a sharpshooting cowboy who looks suspiciously like the bartender from the Cher film, Burlesque. At first Priest doubts the cowboy’s skills, as he’s seen Burlesque and thinks that although the cowboy’s probably very good at pouring a mean Manhattan, it doesn’t mean he’s capable of staking vampires. However, the cowboy manages to convince Priest to take him along on his quest, by demonstrating his abilities with a weapon and by offering Priest Christina Aguilera’s phone number.
A short while later... Priest and the cowboy begin their journey together and as they travel across the land they start chatting about manly things...and stuff. Each time Priest starts talking he uses very dramatic sentences, but every time he does this the cowboy becomes even more dramatic...
which makes Priest even more dramatic...
which makes the cowboy even more dramatic... and so on.
Meanwhile... Priest’s daughter is bored out of her brain waiting for the inevitable ‘climactic showdown’ that will take place as soon as Priest and the cowboy find Black Hat and she wishes that things would move along a bit quicker.
And so finally... Priest and the cowboy find Black Hat. They have a climactic showdown involving a huge explosion, but Priest, the cowboy and Priest’s daughter survive. Black Hat isn’t so lucky. With all the loose ends tied up, Priest feels that his life has suddenly become empty and meaningless, which is not a fitting (and dramatic) end for his journey, so he vows that this is not the end!
JUST LIKE A PRAYER: *Priest isn’t a real priest; he actually works in McDonald’s. He tells people he’s a priest as he thinks it’s cool to share the same name as his occupation. His brother Douche isn’t so sure.
*Despite dying in Neighbours Jim Robinson often pops up when you least expect him to. Take a look behind you right now; he’s probably there!
*It’s not been confirmed, but early reports suggest that even God hates this movie.