Pamela Anderson Lee, Breasts, Xander Berkeley, Breasts, Udo Kier, Temuera Morrison, Breasts, Jack Noseworthy, Andre Rosey Brown, Breasts, Clint Howard, Steve Railsback, Skimpy clothing, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, BREASTS!!!!!!!
Story by: Ilene Chaiken Screenplay by: Chuck Pfarrer & Ilene Chaiken Directed by: David Hogen
Axel - "Does the word overkill mean anything to you?"
WHAT IS IT? It’s the film about a Dark Horse Comics character and stars Baywatch sensation Pamela Anderson Lee and her iconic breasts!
GOOD IDEA/BAD IDEA: Baywatch was a phenomenon...A PHENOMENON...and a large part of this was down to Pam, so casting her as the lead in a movie was always going to bring people to the box-office.Unfortunately it was only likely to be the wrong sort of person wanting to watch a film that despite the high calibre of boobs on show is actually worse than soft core porn.
WHAT’S THE STORY?
The year is 2017, the place is Steel Harbour and according to onscreen text, the future is in the crapper.Fortunately for all the red-blooded males and lesbians, Barb Wire (Anderson Lee) is doing her best to keep morale up by exposing her knockers whilst being hosed down with water.It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it and proving she has ample qualifications for the role, Barb mixes stripping with shooting people and running a club called the Hammerhead.
Somewhere else, in a nondescript part of town, an evil-bad-man (Railsback) is doing evil-bad-things which involve torturing a woman by strapping electrodes to her breasts which he claims is to help him locate a doctor, who he wants...for some reason.The reason is possibly very important, but as the doctor will never get her breasts out during the course of the movie, it really doesn’t matter.
Back at the Hammerhead, Barb is surrounded by beautiful women dressed in skimpy outfits, so in attempt to stand out more she decides to dress up like Miss Piggy, on the game.The reason for this is so she can meet a man in a gimp outfit and slap him with a giant wooden paddle.She also steals stuff from him and kills a couple of people which causes the police to start investigating a homicide.
The police, led by Alexander Willis (Berkeley) go to the club, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and question Barb and her blind brother Charlie.All this questioning just isn’t exciting enough so she then gets a visit from her former boyfriend Axel (Morrison) who just happens to have married the doctor that the evil-bad-man is after.
Nothing much happens for a while and Axel goes away for a bit and then comes back to find Barb is taking a bath...with bubbles, and he explains that his wife is linked to some secret HIV tests and some weird contact lenses.Barb sees that there must be an important hidden message in what he is telling her and to make sure the audience is paying attention she flashes one of her boobs.This doesn’t help clear anything up, so the evil-bad-man appears and says he is still looking for the doctor and the lenses and he is pretty sure that Barb must be involved, as it would be the only logical reason as to where the story is going.
Barb agrees and ends up with the lenses, which she realises are valuable and so plans to sell them to start a new life in another city.However, Barb is conflicted over her motivation, and so is her brother, who gets killed off after being tortured, which makes her realise she should be helping out the good guys. Thanks to some lame stunts involving a crane and a motorbike, Barb helps out Axel, kicks some ass and then leaves to spend at least one night in Paris...the country that is.
DON’T CALL ME BARBARA: *Pamela Anderson Lee is not the only former Baywatch star to appear in a comic-book adaptation.David ‘The Hoff’ Hasslehoff played Nick Fury in the GOD DAMN AWFUL Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D (1998).
*Barb Wire’s famous line, ‘Don’t call me babe’, has nothing to do with people mistaking her for the cute little sheep-pig.
*Barb Wire’s brother Charlie is blind in the movie except in a small flashback sequence.Although it is explained how he lost his sight, presumably he really blinded himself so that he wouldn’t have to keep seeing his own sisters baps.